We're back in Vancouver now.
Tomorrow I have a meeting at the Fraser Valley Cancer centre with one of the nutritionists there to hopefully help me figure out how to eat in preparation for the surgery. I've been having lack of appetite, and over the last two weeks almost constant nausea - coupled with the pain it hasn't been that fun. As I lose weight ( and the jelly gains more) I'm told I need to eat healthily and keep up my weight. Who knew?
While we were at the TBC Dr. T. said something that rattled me. It wasn't the statistics ( we knew those going in, and his stats post surgery are amazing, as per my last post); when I discussed the issues I was having with nausea he nodded, noting that he wasn't surprised. As the tumour is pressing down on my internal organs its making digestion more difficult -- he suggested that I try smaller meals but try and have them more frequently. This is one of the reasons why I'm seeing the nutritionist tomorrow.
The jarring part was that he called it ' the tumours.'
Don't get me wrong, I've been aware from the get go that that is exactly what it is - a series of tumours trying to take over my body, systematically capturing strategic locations to call their own. They're the ones giving the pain, giving me trouble sleeping, giving me nausea and so on. I know that. I KNEW that's exactly what they are, but when he said it I honestly cringed.
It isn't a nice word. Its the kind of word that conjures up such darkness, such malevolence. I realized only then that I'd been giving the thing nicknames... the goo, the jello, the jelly... etc. I didn't make up the 'jelly belly' term; it has been used by other sufferers before. However, when my stomach first began to swell up and we didn't know if it could be a baby or some sort of cyst, we settled on saying that if it was a baby it would be a 'Connor' but if it was something else he would remain a 'Dubi' as it was of dubious nature.
Dubi is almost cute. Jelly is almost fond. I realized that calling it cutesy names wasn't helping me really face up to what it is -- a darkness that is taking over my body and that I want to ruthlessly destroy and rip away. So, wincing every step of the way, I think at least in my own head I'm done calling it the jelly. We will keep it up for Aiden's sake ( I think it helps take some of the anxiety away to do so), but privately we call it what it is, and take it on as the enemy it is.
In the next couple of days, I hope, we'll have a firm date for the surgery. So much to do before then...