Saturday, 23 June 2012

Cry if I want to

It's my recovery.... and I'll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to
Cry if I want to

It had been 2 days since I had seen Apis as I got a cold and was advised by the nurses to take 2 days off from seeing her. My sister Valerie and my Mom had been doing the hospital shifts and they had been taking great care of her.  I had missed her and was happy to see her again. Her nausea had continued but the vomiting had stopped (for the most part) and her trips to the bathroom were less frequent. She still did not feel great but was a bit better.  She continued to be on the anti-nausea medication and also started anti-heartburn medication which made a big difference!

She had very little appetite and we were starting to wonder if it (also) had something to do with the hospital food. How can someone recovering from such a harsh surgery be expected to eat lentils and corn? Or a tuna salad sandwich that tasted like miracle whip? Or chocolate cookies that would make anybody bloated? Mom decided to start bringing in homemade food for her and she has been noticing the difference... she is eating again... small amounts but consistently in the last 24 hours. Her energy level has slowly been improving as well and she has been walking around today which was a big change from yesterday when my mom took her around on a wheelchair as she was too weak to go walking anywhere but was feeling restless.

She has been emotional and sad at times which is completely understandable. And we worry about it... obviously...  I saw her shed a few tears in the morning as she was struggling to eat her breakfast. She was afraid to push herself to eat and get sick again/start vomiting. It broke my heart and it worried me - how can I stop her from crying? Should I worry about her becoming depressed? Then it hit me.... It's HER recovery.... and SHE will cry if SHE wants to (or NEEDS TO).  Why is it that we don’t often allow ourselves to feel and to acknowledge that we are going through a difficult time? Or that we are struggling? Isn’t that a better alternative than the “serenity now... insanity later” motto that forces us to suppress our feelings? We should be happy that she is expressing those feelings and dealing with them in a healthy way.

And so, I let her cry. And then we hugged. And soon after she ate her breakfast and even drank all her Boost meal supplement. Then I snuck off to the washroom and had a good cry myself...


  1. Patrick Galletti24 June 2012 at 03:50

    Let her cry. It is her recovery and she needs to. You also need to give yourself some time. Stress builds up and you need to have some way to vent it.

    Tell Apis that I have been thinking of her and I will keep her in my prayers.

    Patrick Galletti

  2. You guys are amazing … hang in there!

  3. Absolutely. Cry! Her body is going through so many major changes all at once, to say nothing of pain and nausea. Any one of them would be enough to make the average person cry. So definitely, every one of you has earned a good cry...or three.

    And it's still only been a couple of weeks, which is the amazing thing.

    That's such GOOD news that food is progressing. And if Boost is the only thing that wants to go down, just do that. It's all good, and Apis, you look terrific even though you look tired. Big hugs all around.

  4. Cry, cry and cry some more if you need to! I am really excited for you to see Chris tomorrow. I can not imagine how hard it has been to be away from your boys. I really hope they are exactly what you need to lift your spirits. Let's hope you get out of there sooner than later.

  5. There's something about being in the hospital, whether it's for something traumatic like major surgery or not, that always makes people cry. It's a very emotional place to be for one reason or another. It is my staunch belief that crying IS therapy sometimes. It helps. It releases so many things that would otherwise bottle up and torment us in ways that aren't healthy. So cry. And we'll probably cry right along with you. It's healing.

    Aside from that, I know how much hospital food sucks. It's gross. And honestly I don't think some of it is very healthy either (at least not some of the stuff I had during my last hospital stay 3 years ago when I had Emma). Nothing beats home cooked food. It's as much a comfort thing as it is an "OMG this tastes so much better!" kind of thing. But it's good to hear that some things are staying down.

    So much love your way, Apis darling. You're amazing, and you're doing well, so much strength. Even though sometimes it might be frustrating because it doesn't feel like you're making progress.

    Sending my love and good thoughts to your family as well. Many thanks to them for the continued updates. <3

  6. Hi,
    I write in English since I don't know if the person who will be reading this to Apis speaks Spanish...
    Please tell her that even though we haven't seen each other in many many years, I think a lot about her and I'm sending all my best energy every day. I tell my little 6-months old son that I have a friend who is being very brave right now and that it is a quality (or better, an attitude) I want him to have in life, because it actually helps!
    I wish one day you'll get to know my little Filippo so he knows I was talking about you.
    Hang in there Apis!!
    Big hug
    Natalia Pico

  7. Oh Ula!