For those not familiar with the quote, its Wash's mantra from the series ( and movie) Serenity. He's the pilot of a rickety spaceship than more often than not ends up nearly getting destroyed at every turn. That it doesn't speaks volumes not just of his skill as a pilot but of his sheer determination to somehow pull through, despite the odds against him and the ship. He recites this mantra as his way of focusing on what needs to be done and shutting out everything else, perforce channeling every inch of energy and concentration into the task at hand -- landing the ship safely. Wash doesn't control everything. He can't. But what he can control is his own will, and the determination to see things through even at the roughest times.
I love Wash. I do. If anything this insane ride this year has shown me that you need that sort of will ( with a sprinkling of humour) to make it through the lows.
There are some fellow PMPers going through a very, very rough time right now. Its hard not to let that get to you, as its entirely too easy to see yourself in their shoes. But you also see the people who post of their cancer free anniversaries ( 2 years! 5!!! 11 !!! ); I focus on those. In five years Aiden will be getting ready for his bar-mitzvah; in eleven he'll be eighteen, entering university and ready to start a road on his own to some degree. I just realized that until I pass that 5 year milestone I won't stop looking behind me, seeing the shadow catching up to me. That, it seems is the new normal. You can't get away from the awareness of cancer, once it has touched you.
However, you CAN choose to stop living your life like its on borrowed time. Yesterday the amazing Neil Armstrong passed away. First man to walk on the moon! One of the things he was quoted as saying was:
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine." - NA
I am going to stop dwelling on the days that are low. There are days at the beginning of each chemo that are nasty, and rough. I'm told they get rougher with each cycle, to boot. But after that? There's a few days in between where I feel great and almost like my old self. :) There are GOOD days, where the sun is out, I get to play with Chris and Aiden, I get to eat what I want ( and have it stay in!), I get to make new memories instead of dwelling on the old. Yesterday I did just that, going for lunch and an afternoon in the part with my favorite guys.
Here's to the good days, and enjoying each and everyone of them! :)