Monday, 13 August 2012
When I'm stuck with a day
That's gray and lonely
I just stick out my chin
And grin and say, oh
The sun'll come out tomorrow
So you gotta hang on 'til tomorrow
Come what may
- Annie the Musical ( "Tomorrow"
Having nightmares about chemo. Clearly my subconscious is not getting the hint !
Before anyone worries- nope, I'm not down, but I am nervous about starting chemotherapy. I hate unknowns. Even when I was diagnosed I figured I'd find a way to handle things... researching outcomes, and treatments, and just reading the blogs and experiences of other people out there helped a lot. I wasn't afraid of the cancer.. I was afraid of the unknown.
I had my surgery with the best possible outcome, and I know that chemotherapy is just another step in getting rid of the cancer, hopefully for good. 2012 was the year to take it all on, and that's fine by me. If anything watching the Olympics has reminded me again the amazing feats that a body is capable of, that sheer determination and dedication can produce.
However, I would be lying if I said I'm not dreading the actual treatment, and not knowing how it will affect me. Will I have the same horrible nausea and sharp weightloss as I did just after surgery ? What about all the other possible side effects one reads about? Then again, some people go through it relatively unfazed... so which one will I be? And what will the next half year be like? I have no answers for that.
I have a vague idea as to what to expect, thanks to the online support group that I belong to. They are amazing people, and many have gone through chemo ( different regimens, and with different results and side effects.) But at best that's what it is... a vague idea of what MIGHT be. I just remind myself that I hate the cancer more than any side effect that might come my way!
Yesterday I went to a friend's wedding, and was reminded of all the life and love that I am lucky to have. Chris and I are planning our own celebration in September, a vow renewal for our 12th anniversary. We are also making plans for something else to celebrate the end of chemo once it takes place, hopefully, in mid January. As much as the mind seems to focus on future dread, I choose to derail it and re-focus in on wonderful future projects.