Monday, 13 August 2012


When I'm stuck with a day
That's gray and lonely
I just stick out my chin
And grin and say, oh
The sun'll come out tomorrow
So you gotta hang on 'til tomorrow
Come what may

- Annie the Musical ( "Tomorrow"

Having nightmares about chemo. Clearly my subconscious is not getting the hint !
Before anyone worries- nope, I'm not down, but I am nervous about starting chemotherapy. I hate unknowns.  Even when I was diagnosed I figured I'd find a way to handle things... researching outcomes, and treatments, and just reading the blogs and experiences of other people out there helped a lot.  I wasn't afraid of the cancer.. I was afraid of the unknown.

I had my surgery with the best possible outcome, and I know that chemotherapy is just another step in getting rid of the cancer, hopefully for good. 2012 was the year to take it all on, and that's fine by me. If anything watching the Olympics has reminded me again the amazing  feats that a body is capable of, that sheer determination and dedication can produce.

However, I would be lying if I said I'm not dreading the actual treatment, and not knowing how it will affect me. Will I have the same horrible nausea and sharp weightloss as I did just after surgery ? What about all the other possible side effects one reads about? Then again, some people go through it relatively unfazed... so which one will I be? And what will the next half year be like? I have no answers for that.

I have a vague idea as to what to expect, thanks to the online support group that I belong to. They are amazing people, and many have gone through chemo ( different regimens, and with different results and side effects.)  But at best that's what it is... a vague idea of what MIGHT be.  I just remind myself that I hate the cancer more than any side effect that might come my way!

Yesterday I went to a friend's wedding, and was reminded of all the life and love that I am lucky to have. Chris and I are planning our own celebration in September, a vow renewal for our 12th anniversary. We are also making plans for something else to celebrate the end of chemo once it takes place, hopefully, in mid January. As much as the mind seems to focus on future dread, I choose to derail it and re-focus in on wonderful future projects.

So... onwards!


  1. Go! Go! Go! … you will beat this and you will come out victorious. I just know it.

  2. You will go into this with your head held high and you will be amazing. I have no doubt about that. There is no shame in being scared, especially of the unknown. But you won't know how this will affect you until you've done it. Just keep a positive outlook, and focus on getting rid of the cancer instead of what side effects might happen. Think about all the things you'll be able to do after this is done. :) You have so many people rooting for you and you will persevere. Good thoughts and prayers from me. Love you!

  3. Hang in there, Apis! You can do it. Like Ruthie said, focus on your end goal. Don't give up. If it helps, there are usually a couple different combinations of chemo and anti nausea meds. If you have a bad reaction, ask to try a different one. I know you can do it!

  4. Try not to think about it too much. The fear of the unknown is worst for those with an overactive, unwieldy imagination I know. But when the negative images come to mind try to just stop yourself, and refuse to let your mind be your enemy. Instead, deflect and distract. Music, movies, books, art. The more you fill your mind with these things, the better it will rest.

  5. Hi Apis,
    Just want to share that my husband is on a really aggressive chemo regimen and he is doing great :) The main side effect is fatigue but as long as he plans his day around his energy times we are back to living a normal life. He did lose his hair but it has since all grown back - while he's on the treatment. I think he might have lost his hair due to his first surgery where he lost a TON of weight afterwards.
    If you have nausea there are amazing medicines to help with this. Please do not hesitate to connect with us if you have any chemo questions - we'll definitely be in touch with you once he has his MOAS in November :)
    Take care and hope you are doing well.