Today is my MRI, the one that was moved from late May to mid April because of the zombie gnawing in my belly. I won't get the results for another week, which will be a long and stressful time. Needless to say, I'm nervous. Scanxiety -- when does it go away??
Truth is, I don't know that it does. I think we're all shell-shocked still, and trying to not think that every pain and swelling, the persistent fatigue... all add up to the jelly beast being back. I am hopeful that its just scar tissue settling and the return of glorious belly fat. I can't stay in a place of fear, and while most of the time I am getting better at getting on with my life the times surrounding scans bring it all back.
There are times we struggle; our eight year old is having struggles at school with his teacher, and more often than not tries to think of ways to stay home with me. I'd like to think its all about their clash in personalities, but to be fair I think there's probably a fair ingredient of him just wanting to be home enjoying doing things with me. Let's face it, I pretty much slept for a year. We couldn't do much together, and it took a while for us to get back to our usual activities, to discovering the world together. I don't want to give it up anymore than he does!
That said, we have to live our lives with the belief that there will be MANY days and many years ahead for us to share together. And that is where faith comes in.
I believe in G-d. For me and my family that has been a tremendous help - to think there is some order to the chaos, and some purpose to the universe. But faith isn't only religion; I have faith in science, I have faith in my family and doctors, in my friends and community. The power or universal goodness that is so often overlooked. There is so much anger and despair in the world, and sometimes I want to be the ostrich with my head in the sand. But for all the hate and the monsters out there, there are also good people. There is the good in all of us. I choose to believe in all of that.
I joked with friends around the time of my MOAS that I knew I was in good hands, since I was going to the Tom Baker Centre and Tom Baker was one of my favorite Dr. Who. I love Dr. Who, and all its incarnations. I love that the companions always have faith in him, even if he lets them down, even if he can't always save them. The purpose of it all is larger than their individual stories, and in all his different lives there is a constant of conquering impossible odds and never giving up.
This year is Dr. Who's 50th anniversary, so I made a piece of art for it. Here's to faith, and to impossible things.