Tuesday, 7 June 2016
Four years ago today I was in surgery. I was desperate and terrified, but I also had a lot of faith in Doctor Temple. I knew he would do what he could, and the rest was entirely out of my hands. Sure, chemo would follow, and any number of other treatments if needed, but there was the very real possibility I might not wake up from the surgery, or I may wake up to discover that they hadn't been able to help.
I can remember the sleepless nights, the agony of thinking that I wouldn't get to help my son grow up, meet so many milestones. That I wouldn't get to share with my soulmate, best friend and husband, so many adventures I still hoped to have. But there was also determination that whatever I -could- do to affect that outcome, I would. I have never been one to go gently into that good night, I suppose.
The past six months haven't been about cancer. Not that it ever really leaves you, mind, because it will always be that ghost at the door; it moves through our house and lives and leaves it mark. I was playing a cellphone game the other day ( bunches of bubbles you have to connect) and one level had these grotesque bubbles that become jello like, distorted, and infect the others. I couldn't' keep playing, and deleted the game in tears, shaken. Sometimes the things that trigger those emotions are hard to predict.
Those moments aside, these past half year has been about so many other things BUT cancer. About busy lives and opportunities. We took the leap to move away from comfortable routines and take chances in work and life again. Last year we moved houses and my husband took a different job, after ten years at the old one. Our son has been focused on his acting and his academics; he won an award in LA and has been pushing forward to chase his dreams. He starts a special program in September.. high school! Moments that I didn't think to see, or celebrate. Next week will be his middle school graduation and I'm pretty sure I'll be crying most of the day!
As for me, I've been creating again. I've been pushing out of my comfort zone in my art and experimenting, I've been doing script writing and producing a couple of short films. I've stopped obsessing about the what-ifs that tomorrow could bring and work on enjoy today more.
Four years on, we feel alive again. Here is to many, many more!! <3