The King of Impossible Things

Today is my MRI, the one that was moved from late May to mid April because of the zombie gnawing in my belly.  I won't get the results for another week, which will be a long and stressful time. Needless to say, I'm nervous. Scanxiety -- when does it go away??

Truth is, I don't know that it does. I think we're all shell-shocked still, and trying to not think that every pain and swelling, the persistent fatigue... all add up to the jelly beast being back.  I am hopeful  that its just scar tissue settling and the return of glorious belly fat. I can't stay in a place of fear, and while most of the time I am getting better at getting on with my life the times surrounding scans bring it all back.

There are times we struggle; our eight year old is having struggles at school with his teacher, and more often than not tries to think of ways to stay home with me. I'd like to think its all about their clash in personalities, but to be fair I think there's probably a fair ingredient of him just wanting to be home enjoying doing things with me. Let's face it, I pretty much slept for a year. We couldn't do much together, and it took a while for us to get back to our usual activities, to discovering the world together. I don't want to give it up anymore than he does!

That said, we have to live our lives with the belief that there will be MANY days and many years ahead for us to share together. And that is where faith comes in.

I believe in G-d. For me and my family that has been a tremendous help - to think there is some order to the chaos, and some purpose to the universe. But faith isn't only religion; I have faith in science, I have faith in my family and doctors, in my friends and community. The power or universal goodness that is so often overlooked.  There is so much anger and despair in the world, and sometimes I want to be the ostrich with my head in the sand. But for all the hate and the monsters out there, there are also good people. There is the good in all of us.  I choose to believe in all of that.

I joked with friends around the time of my MOAS that I knew I was in good hands, since I was going to the Tom Baker Centre and Tom Baker was one of my favorite Dr. Who. I love Dr. Who, and all its incarnations. I love that the companions always have faith in him, even if he lets them down, even if he can't always save them. The purpose of it all is larger than their individual stories, and in all his different lives there is a constant of conquering impossible odds and never giving up.

This year is Dr. Who's 50th anniversary, so I made a piece of art for it. Here's to faith, and to impossible things. 

Anniversary Check-up booked

So I  just had a phonecall from the Alberta Tom Baker center, and my MOAS anniversary check up with Dr. Temple is booked for July 16th. It'll be neat to see Calgary again in the summer, and actually get to enjoy it this time. :)

A Welcome Spring

It has been hard not to spend the past month taking note of all the anniversaries; the day I had my appendectomy and the first sight of the mucin, the day we found out it was cancer, the day we had to tell our son...the list goes on and on.

I can't live on anniversaries. I can't let the year from hell drag me back into it. Spring break was good - we put our son in a theathre camp and got to do art with him, science experiments, celebrate my MIL's birthday and spent time with the new nephew. Everything around us seems to be blooming and its a joy to behold ! Vancouver had a stretch of warm and sunny weather, and it has done wonders for my spirits.  I love BC ... it really has some of the more spectacular scenery in the world.

Having Aiden at my inlaws for a few days also gave me the impetus to paint our master bedroom. I had acutely disliked the colour since we bought our place a few years ago, but because it was a neutral colour decided to keep it for a while. The colour can charitably be described as an off-shade of pinkish tan, but during my convalescence I became more and more convinced that its actual name ought to be vomit. Finally I decided to take matters into my own hands and after convincing Chris a serene lavender blue would be a much happier choice, painted it. It was exhausting but exhilarating to be doing something physical again!

I have also signed up at the local Curves gym, since  my GP gave me the go ahead. Activity will help me build up my strenght and stamina again, and with spring I feel a renewed need to do things on my own and reclaim that independence.

On the health front, my  arthritis continues. I switched over to Aleve and it was an amazing difference, so I suspect that after all this while my body is probably too used to ibuprofen for it to help at all. The topical cream has also helped, but as this was supposed to last a month or two and we're now going on five my GP had me do some hand x-rays and we'll see if that shows anything. Hey, perhaps exercise will help a bit with that as well!

I also went to see my oncologist as I've had some belly pains and a bit of swelling again. While it can conceivable be simple belly fat ( I have put on 15 lbs since stopping chemotherapy) my mind jumps to other conclusions. I suppose over time I'll stop worrying that its a recurrence, but I don't see that happening any time soon. It feels like... tiny zombies gnawing on the inside, not like the usual cramps or pains.  As it is we've bumped up my scheduled MRI from the end of May to sometime in mid April. I hope to have the date soon so that I can make plans accordingly.

In the meantime, life doesn't stop. Aiden is curious, happy and adventurous -- and I have to keep up! I talked him and Chris into going to Lynn Valley canyon and the suspension bridge there. I like it better than the Capilano one because its free. ;)  I am utterly terrified of heights, and in particular of suspension bridges; when my friend Hiroko visited in 2011 and wanted to go there I thought I would pass out. This time? Not so bad. I'm guessing that after cancer suspension bridges are peanuts!

We had fun crossing to the other side, hiking down into the canyon ( while singing the songs from the Hobbit) and the more arduous hike back up. I'm not -quite- as woefully out of shape as I thought. :)

A Blue Rose

I have always loved the legend of the blue rose, the thought that at the end of it all a true heart can accomplish the impossible.  I am a firm believer that despite the odds one can prevail.

So in the spirit of continuing to learn new things, I tried my first oil painting, a blue rose done with a palette knife ( no brushes). This blue rose is for Chris and for Aiden, that they always know that love, that faith and hope.It isn't great - my mother thought they looked like cabbages. ;) But Aiden and Chris where here with me while I painted it, cheering me on, so to us its pretty special.

Aiden has been doing his own blog, and we continue do learn new things together. I have been teaching him watercolours and acrylics, and together we spent the last few weeks tumbling our own rocks. We kept a journal and now that they are finished we're turning them into pendants and dangles for family and friends.
We also got a painting in the mail, so had to go into Opus and learn to stretch it ourselves. Chris did it, and it was an amazing new experience. 

Today was another first, for me. As I dropped him off at his day camp for spring break I had to park at a Curves gym. Those of you that know me are probably aware that I am not the most physically active person; however, after a year of inactivity  I feel the need to get my body back. I need to get my strength and stamina back, and I am also hoping it will help with the post- chemo arthritis that I am still dealing with.
So! Friday I have an appointment with my GP to get some ideas on the arthritis and get her green light about my exercise plans. I got some information and handouts from the Curves owner, and its close enough to Aiden's school that I could drop him off in the mornings and come down to do a workout before heading home.

Anniversary

A year ago today, the world changed.

I was baking challah with my son, preparing to celebrate Purim and then go watch The Lorax with my mom and sister Ilana.

And then I ended up in the hospital, wheeled into surgery and coming out with a cancer diagnosis.

Today I am going to be a bit of a hermit. Aiden stayed home, so we are going to enjoy the sun, go for a walk, paint together. We will research together the rocks that we are tumbling, we will tackle the next Jules Verne's book together.

Life never gets back to what it used to be, but I think we are starting to figure out this new normal.

The Month Without Microwave Challenge

Trying New Things

There are many challenges and new adventures we have undertaken of late. After seeing how quickly one's world can change I've made it a point to keep trying new things, learning new things.  This past weekend Aiden, Chris and I made it up to Whistler for me and Aiden to learn to sky under Chris' tutelage... that didn't quite work out thanks to inclement weather and a mistake when getting our skis, but it did put us in the mood to keep trying new things. :)

I have often told Aiden that for me standing still is stagnating; the day that you stop learning something new, trying something new... that day you aren't really living. On the way back from Whistler we stopped at Britannia Mine and had a tour of it as well as of the mill; Aiden was as fascinated as we were, and we got to enjoy the store's selection of rocks and minerals. That resulted in us getting a rock tumbler, so that we can tumble our own rocks and learn more about the process and minerals in general. Sure, its noisy and it will take us the next three weeks, but we are all intrigued.

The Month Without a Microwave!

I have long had a love affair with microwaves. Let's face it, they are handy, handy things. However, one of the things that came out of the long year battling cancer was the need to revamp our eating habits. By and large, we are fairly healthy eaters; when I was pregnant with Aiden I had high blood pressure, so after he was born we tried to cut out salt and incorporated lots of vegetables and fruits. Last year was a challenge because of the state of my digestive system after the MOAS and during chemo; everything we knew pretty much went out the window, so we had to re-learn how to think about nutrition and about food in general.

Something I realized is that life is too short to eat food you don't enjoy. That means that you are never going to get me near a brussel sprout again, but it also means that I am a lot more conscious of what I am putting in my body. Having gotten the Cancer Fighting Cookbook we decided it was  a great chance for all of us to rediscover food and its joys together.

It also meant that I didn't want to go near food that I don't trust for some reason.

I have a couple of friends that have gotten rid of their microwaves. When I first heard about it I thought it sounded impossible. How do you make a quick meal? How would you reheat leftovers?

But that's the point, isn't it? No microwave burritos or pizza, and as for left overs... well, you simply have to make smaller portions and eat each meal fresh. Theoretically less food would be wasted that way too, since we found that we would get bored eating the same thing over several meals.

So, starting now, this is our challenge -- we took our microwave out of the kitchen and have put it away for the month of March. If we can make it a month without needing it we will break our microwave habit, and can get rid of it for good. This is the first step in what I feel will be a healthy me, and I am excited that Chris and Aiden are on board with the challenge too. :)

So here's to the upcoming month... we'll see how we fare!

Three White Hairs and the Canucks

The Three White Hairs and Post Chemo Arthritis Update

A few weeks ago my hair finally stopped thinning out, hurrah! I was lucky in that I didn't lose large chunks, as happens with most chemo medications, but it fell out evenly all around, so it just thinned out.  Today I noticed that the reason my hair looks fuzzy is because new hair is starting to come out.

"Hurray!"  I thought. And then I looked closer. They were curly. Alright, I have wanted curlier hair, so that would be an excellent development. I HAVE heard that sometimes the texture of new hair will be different when it grows after chemo.

Then I looked even closer, at three glorious WHITE hairs.
...
Oh, my.
Well, I do always tell Chris and Aiden my goal is to grow gray and wrinkly next to them, so I guess it starts! ;)

In other news, I started taking Diclofenac in the New Year, to help with the joint pain from the arthritis, as Advil wasn't touching it.  The creme definitely helps, particularly at night. I'm able to sleep through the night for the most part, and that has been a wonderful change. I'm still in pain, particularly my hands and knees, but I am managing to get back to most of my routines. Since pain management seems to be mostly under control I am starting to look around for  activities that will help me be more physically fit. It feels like I slept for a whole year.


Thank you Vancouver Canucks and Fred Ewanuick!

In the Summer of 2011, before the nightmare started, we went on a weekend outing and ended up visiting Capilano Suspension Bridge. After the horrid experience of crossing the chasm of doom our son wanted to stop by the gift shop; happy to be on solid ground again, I quickly agreed.

We ended up only purchasing a postcard, and when I asked him who he was going to send them to he told us he wanted to send it to the local hockey team, the Vancouver Canucks. In particular, he wanted to send it to his favorite Canuck, Ryan Kesler. So we mailed the postcard with  a SASS envelope in the hope that he might get a little note back.

Life happened. That fall my brother in law got married ( Aiden made his first girlfriend at the wedding. Or two. He was six going on seven!), we all came down with strep throat, then bronchitis... fall turned into winter and before we knew it it was 2012. That new year I wrote an email to my family to rejoice in the new year and look forward to new challenges and opportunities.

Well, we got those in spades! In fact my one wish this New year was for a healthy, happy year with no surprises. With everything that happened, we pretty much forgot about the postcard. When Aiden would ask in late 2011 we let him know that the Canucks are really busy, have only specific seasons...etc. Privately we thought it had probably just gotten lost.

So,  guess what arrived yesterday?

An envelope addressed to my son ( in my writing) with a photo of the Canucks and a signed photo of Ryan Kesler. Aiden was in utter disbelief, and such joy. After all this time! It was a sign, I told him, that this year will be much better. Things are coming together, happiness arriving at our door.

He put them up next to his other prized possession, a hat signed for him by Fred Ewanuick, his favorite actor. That hat helped him through a lot of rough spots last year, and he showed it off to everyone that would look or listen.  Thank you Mr. Ewanuick, Mr. Kesler and Canucks -- the joy and love you give back to your fans matters more than you might think.

2012 was the year of Cancer. This is the year we take our lives and our joy back.